My name is Emmalouise Buck and I'm eighteen years old from Victoria, Australia.
I'm not going to pretend like I have a clue what triggered things, or what you're thinking or feeling, because everybodies journey is different, and we all feel things in our own unique, but no less severe ways. I can say though, that what you're doing - that takes courage and strength that I'm pretty sure I'll never have, but it has inspired me all the same. As I'm sure it has done millions of other people.
See, without making this a letter about me I want to tell you a little about myself. In school - from my very first day, up until I finally left in favour of homeschooling at the end of last year, I was bullied so badly some days, I instantly wished I hadn't woken up. I'm not just talking about name calling either (and with a last name like Buck, you can imagine the completely original and totally non-generic names that come up there, right?, I was literally in a living nightmare, each day spent avoiding the rocks, bricks shoes and whatever else my peers launched at my head, being thrown down flights of concrete stairs onto piles of rubble from nearby construction sites, having my head smashed into my locker so hard I would begin to bleed and so much more. At it's worst, I was being attacked outside of school by the biggest Freeway in the state. So, I left.
Home wasn't a haven though, my dad was a violent drunk until he left a few months ago. His violence was at it's absolute worst right after the family business closed down and we had to declare bankruptcy (we lost our home (which my parents built on their dream centred around family), our cars (which made it almost impossible for my mum to get to and from her job) and even some family friends walked away, deciding we were scum.) I'm not ashamed of the fact that my dad hit me, or that we wound up with no money and no home, but only three other people in my life know about this fact. He used to really get into me about things - things I couldn't possibly have had anything to do with at all. Some nights, I'd hide in my room, praying someone would stop him, but others I'd run away, seeking refuge in friends homes. He left though, and wound up marrying my mums best friend (who also happens to be my godmother, and before my parents split up, her son - who was my best friend - was my partener for my Debutante ball, crazy, right? Days Of Our Lives couldn't write stuff this intense!).
Then a couple of months ago, the man I viewed as a hero, the only person who had ever truly understood most of what I said or did passed away. My grandfather was an amazing man filled with so much love and passion for his family, that even til his last breath, he lived for us. Losing him, truly was like losing a part of my soul.
All through this, I was battling with my own depression, something I only wish I had the strength to take action to alleviate. I was afraid though, I still am really. I don't talk about my feelings, I don't communicate with my family, I shut the world out. I freak out when people get too close to me, or when there's too much noise. I'm learning though.
I can't imagine what life is like for you, living under a microscope and all, but I want you to know that even though you're going to hear this more than you could possibly want or need to, you're an incredible young woman. Beautiful, hilarious, you have the kind of smile that makes people want to be happy, and feel good inside. You're a truly amazing, truly inspiring human being.
So, even though right now, you're surrounded by a bunch of people who are always telling you that it's going to get better, and you're going to be fine, I'm not going to say that at all. You're going to hear it enough, and it will probably annoy you (it definitely annoys me). I will say though, that regardless of what the future holds for you in this crazy, unpredictable, twisted world, you've got a lot of heart, and a lot of strength in you.
You've got millions of people right now praying for you, loving you, being inspired, empowered and motivated by you.
So, keep that chin up. Keep that smile on (even if you have to fake it, or think of really stupid stuff to make it happen) and we'll see you when you're ready.
Take your time, try to stay positive.
Love,
Emmalouise Buck.
